Where’s Carrie When You Need Her?

Contrary to assumptions people may make based on my head being as pointy as my hat and my being prone to fits of manic giggling at the sight of girls in pigtails or gingham, I in fact LOVE school dances. Always did. Granted, I thought the theatre kids always threw a better bash (and it was a little exclusive, so it felt kinda family, closest I ever got to family anywho), but any school dance was a big deal to me.

Senior prom itself may not have been all it was cracked up to be. Because dad and I were used to buying bread and deli items at quarter price many nights, just before Albertson’s threw them out, I recognized how our high school had used the same method to cater the event. Dryest… chicken tenders… ever. But hey, we could gamble for raffle tickets, I looked fly, and it was held at South Fork Ranch, of Dallas fame, which was conveniently only 10 minutes away from where I lived at the time. I see no reason whatsoever why anyone should be denied their right to crap food, wardrobe malfunctions, and the delicate sound of teenage cynicism cracking gently from the warm hope of maybe getting laid.

Itawamba County, Mississippi, disagrees with me on that point.

Constance on the right, with her aunt, checking a new text message. Odds are in favor of this being something along the lines of "u lez beech, go 2 hell". That or they just noticed, like me, this photo is auto-named "Lesbian Prom Date" by its host... Sensationalism much?

I have confidence there’s much that Itawamba County, Mississippi, and I disagree with. Civil liberties. Fashion. Hygiene. We might be able to agree on some aspects of cookin’, but I pee blood anytime some other state tries to claim they can out-BBQ us down here in the Lone Star. In fact, my confidence in the breadth and scope of the disagreements between me and Itawamba is so perfect, I think I’d rather offer rimjobs to patrons of Taco Bell as part of a fundraiser so I can buy whichever senator will put a nuclear waste site under their town square soonest (deep breath) than spend even one moment in whatever passes for a town down there.

Disagreement one: All students deserve the feast of broken dreams that is prom. Lesbians too.

Disagreement two: There’s no good reason a girl can’t wear a tux to her prom, unless she’s very well endowed and the suit was armed by Q from the Bond movies. (if she gets even a bit excited, there’s a good chance of friendly fire)

Disagreement three: If you are going to be an ass hat and discriminate, at least have the sense I gave my flying monkeys NOT to cancel EVERYONE’S prom. That’s not evil. That’s idiocy. Sure, they may form a lynch mob and end those “uppity queers”, but it’s just as, if not more likely, they’ll take it out on the school they already hate going to. There’s enough hate to go ’round here. Besides, it’s a prom, just THINK of how many unplanned pregnancies you’re PREVENTING by canceling! In anti-choice logic, since prophylactics are really just abortifacients in disguise, you’re KILLING BABIES.

Disagreement four: I pretty much thought the U.S. as a whole agreed some many decades back, for both our sakes, to ignore you, Mississippi. Do you really want to draw attention to yourself? To your obesity rates? To your unemployment rate? Your literacy rate? You’re the only state worse than us Texans on that last one!!! I’m gonna be the bigger woman here and, as long as you fix it, I’ll just pretend this didn’t happen, look the other way, and let you go back to praying for your jealous, desert vengeance god to smite anyone who truly believes in loving their neighbor (or at least can spell the damn word). Just, please, do it quietly; We’re all better off if we act like we don’t know each other for a while.

One Response to “Where’s Carrie When You Need Her?”

  1. The most fucked up part is that students are blaming Constance for this, rather than the school officials responsible for canceling prom. Wanna help? Sure you do!

    Folks around the country are sounding off on this- start by contacting the Superintendent: Teresa McNeece
    phone (662)862-2159 Ext. 14

    And for bonus points, let the school board know what you think:

    Eddie Hood

    Jackie Nichols

    Harold Martin

    Clara Brown

    Tony Wallace

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